day 5

sunday

i wake up quite early for sunday. snacking and reading detektif conan that i bought last night. lazy day as always.

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day 4

i know, its late, but i still remember what happen

i'm kinda excited since morning cause we will had dinner, yup, me and a few friends. we had arguments in where we gonna go, and end up to pochajjang, an all you can eat korean bbq.

my package from cumart arrived before lunch and i was surprised. it was better than i expected. not to mention that i'm afraid it was a scam. so i bought a tote bag, a bottle, a spoon, a set of cutlery and a bottle sponge. i really surprised by the spoon and the tote bag. i thought it will look cheap. no. its not.

i was planning to go to neo soho then to pochajjang. but i was opening the package in the office and after seeing the bag i have the urge to paint it. i head home first and paint it.

we agree to meet at 4. i had a feeling no one gonna get there on time. i go around 3.30. arrived at lawson 4.22. no one arrived yet. i think thats when i start to get upset. i'm buying good day avocado, i'm kinda sleepy after the long ass ride, all the way from pademangan to binus. so i stayed. sit at the corner of lawson in front of their air conditioner, stay there, waiting everyone arrived. i was start to get mad.

i do almost all the cooking and only ate a few. idk, does not feel appetizing. i guess its because i don't really wanna eat there.

me and mila go to neo soho after, i need to go to ace hardware. i need a command hook. there's only 1 left, and that's not even the one that i intended to buy, i ask a staff if they had more, he took that one and left. never comeback.

we wandering around and talk. that's when i realized i've been such a pain in the ass for fai. i said mean things. looks like i was mad the fact that everyone did not arrived on time.

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day 3

wake up quite early but idk, get to office at 9.02 T.T
not really doing anything. i tried to drink more water but ended up in toilet back and forth. giving up at 3 glass of water. then i drink again, a bottle of teh pucuk (the large size).

oh, so, that friend, my old friend that i mention on day 1, he replied to my DM and he did tweet anymore. idk if he felt better or just the same. i think i will check on him on monday with "hows ur weekend?" and then check on him again in two weeks and so on.

i bought some stuff from an app called cumart. its sooo cheap. like, super cheap. idk but i ended up paying it. the airway bill come out right away, so i thoughy, this site us real, but when i tried to track it, it did not show up. i started anxious. its cheap, it does. but i'm afraid its a scam.

its easy to let go the money but hard to forgive myself for beibg reckless.

it can't be track down. and then it can, then it can't again. idk whats gòing on.

i check again and its moving now, hopefully it will arrive tomorrow.

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day 2

i wake up quite early. compare to yesterday.
arrive in the office at 8.59, wow.

nothing really happen. i kinda work today. making invoices. not that much progress.

its nice to have smartban, it remind you to stay active once they detect you stay still for too long. i got reminded twice. not to mention that i start feeling backpain since last night. so i'm kimda work out for a minute or two. make sure it stay active. i don't wanna feel backpain anymore, it soo much hurt T.T i can't even sit or stand without feeling pain, thats the worst.

oh i also doing laundry. wash my hair and straighten it. its an active day.

i think i need to walk around more. i think i would only reach 4,5k max. but i still need to reach 6k per day.

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behavioral activation

read the original article "8 Tips for Using Behavioral Activation to Treat Depression"

Behavioral activation is a basic coping strategy, as well as a short-term treatment, that can have a tremendous effect on your mood. When you feel depressed or anxious, you may be less likely to do the things you enjoy or avoid other potentially pleasurable activities.

The consequences of this are often a worsening of mood, feeling more detached from others, and an increase in anxiety. In addition, as you feel more and more isolated, you may begin to be at risk for depression.

If you're already getting treatment for depression and/or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), studies show that behavioral action can be an effective part of that treatment.

 

How Behavioral Activation Works

Behavioral activation is designed to increase your contact with positively rewarding activities. In behavioral activation, you identify specific goals for the week and work toward meeting those goals.

These goals take the form of pleasurable activities that are consistent with the life you want to live. Particularly when you notice yourself feeling anxious or depressed, you should work on an activity. This teaches you that your behavior can affect your mood.

 

Tips to Enhance Behavioral Activation

Although behavioral activation is a pretty simple coping skill, it can be difficult to do, especially when you're not feeling motivated. However, there are some ways you can make your behavioral activation more effective. Here are some tips for "super-charging" behavioral activation.

Identify Activities That Are Uniquely Important to You

When implementing behavioral activation, sometimes people identify activities that are important to other people. Basically, people identify activities based on what they think they should be doing as opposed to what they want to do. If you come up with activities that aren't important to you, it's going to be difficult to foster motivation and to really feel connected to the activities you're engaging in.

When you're picking your activities for behavioral activation, try to think of what's uniquely important to you. What matters to you? What kind of life do you want to build for yourself? Come up with specific activities that really matter to you and that are about your values and desires. This will help give you that extra boost of motivation when your mood is down or you're experiencing high levels of anxiety.

Make Sure Activities Are Specific and Progress Is Measurable

Come up with specific activities where you can measure your progress. That is, can you quickly determine whether or not you have accomplished a task? If the answer is "no," then the activity you identified is likely too vague.

For example, let's say that you came up with the activity, "Get organized." What does this mean? What do you want to organize?

If you organize your bills, does this mean that you have accomplished this task, or is there more to organize? Instead, you may want to come up with the activity, "Organize my kitchen." This is an activity that is specific and its completion can easily be measured. When activities are specific and measurable, it can give you more direction in doing behavioral activation.

List Activities From Easiest to Hardest

Although behavioral activation may sound easy, it can be hard to do when you're feeling down or very anxious. Therefore, you want to make sure you can see progress quickly. If you're experiencing very low motivation or high levels of anxiety, the most important thing is to get moving to make sure that avoidance behavior doesn't set in.

You can do this by ranking your list of activities from easiest to hardest. Once you have this list set up, choose a couple of activities that are going to be very easy for you to accomplish. In doing so, you can make sure that you get active but also don't stress yourself out too much.

It's important that behavioral activation doesn't become overwhelming or a source of stress for you. By starting out with some easy activities, you can also foster motivation that can eventually make it easier to tackle the harder activities.

Come up With a Variety of Activities

You also don't want behavioral activation to become boring. Mix it up when it comes to the activities that you choose. Come up with a variety of activities across a number of different life areas, such as work, relationships, personal care, and family/friends.

The more variety you have, the more balanced your life will become and the more likely your motivation to continue to use behavioral activation as a coping strategy for your PTSD and depression will continue.

Enlist the Support of Others

If you're finding that it's difficult to be motivated when it comes to behavioral activation, ask others for support. Establish a contract with a friend or family member. Let him or her know about your activities and what you would like to accomplish during the week.

Your friend or family member can then help you accomplish that activity or check in with you during the week to see how your progress is going. He or she can also serve as a cheerleader for you, increasing your motivation.

Be Mindful

Even when people are active and engaging in pleasurable activities, they can still exhibit avoidance behaviors. They may be stuck in their heads, worrying, or ruminating about the past. This is going to make it difficult to connect with the positive aspects of engaging in a meaningful activity.

Being mindful ​and present when you're engaging in behavioral activation can ensure that you fully experience and engage in your chosen activities.

Take Things Slow

Behavioral activation is an excellent way of addressing some of the symptoms of PTSD, including avoidance behavior and symptoms of emotional numbing. In addition, behavioral activation can reduce your risk for depression and, if you have depression, help treat it. Although behavioral activation may sound simple enough, it can be difficult to do, especially if you're experiencing low motivation or a high level of anxiety.

Therefore, it's important to set reasonable goals and take things slow. Start off with just a few activities and from there, slowly build up the number of activities you engage in each week. Even engaging in a small number of activities can have a big impact on your mood.

Reward Your Progress

Finally, remember to reward yourself for the progress that you make. Recognize your accomplishments. Doing so can increase your motivation to keep moving forward, especially during those times when your mood is down.

With one step at a time, you can use behavioral activation to build a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

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emotional avoidance

read the original article "Why People With PTSD Use Emotional Avoidance to Cope"

Emotional avoidance is a common reaction to trauma. In fact, emotional avoidance is part of the avoidance cluster of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms, serving as a way for people with PTSD to escape painful or difficult emotions. Avoidance refers to any action designed to prevent the occurrence of an uncomfortable emotion such as fear, sadness, or shame.

Emotional avoidance may be effective in the short-term and can provide some temporary relief. In the long run, it often causes more harm as avoidance behaviors are associated with increased severity of PTSD symptoms.

Avoidance Cluster Behavior

The avoidance cluster of PTSD symptoms is categorized as the attempt to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings as well as external reminders such as conversations about the traumatic event or people or places that bring the event to mind. Avoidance behaviors are effectively an effort to withdraw from situations and feelings that produce trauma-related symptoms.

Moreover, people engaging in avoidance may have emotional numbing symptoms such as feeling distant from others, losing interest in activities they used to enjoy, or having trouble experiencing positive feelings such as happiness or love. Avoiding emotional experiences is common among people who have PTSD.

 

Emotional Avoidance in PTSD

Research shows that people with PTSD often try to avoid or “push away” their emotions, both emotions about a traumatic experience and emotions in general. In addition, it has been found that trying to avoid feeling emotions may make some PTSD symptoms worse or even contribute to the development of PTSD symptoms after experiencing a traumatic event.

 

Why Emotional Avoidance Doesn't Work

Emotions serve important psychological and physiological purposes. Your emotions provide you with information about yourself and the things going on around you. They communicate and motivate action. For example, fear tells you that you may be in danger; sadness tells you that you may need some time to take care of yourself or seek help from others.

While emotional avoidance temporarily suppresses difficult emotions, the emotions you're trying to avoid may grow harder to ignore over time. Your emotions may “fight back” in an attempt to serve their functions. If someone is determined to avoid feeling their emotions, they may eventually turn to more drastic and unhealthy ways to avoid them, such as substance use.​

Avoiding your emotions also takes considerable effort, and as the emotions you are avoiding grow stronger, more and more effort is needed to keep them at bay. As a result, little energy may be left for the important things in your life such as family and friends. In addition, using all your energy to avoid certain emotions may make it difficult to manage other experiences, such as frustration and irritation, making you more likely to be “on edge” and angry. Research has also suggested that avoidance coping leads to chronic worry.

 

Management and Treatment of PTSD Symptoms

The best way to start managing your symptoms is to develop healthier coping mechanisms that allow you to identify, accept, and process your emotions. Therapy can provide the opportunity to express and understand your emotions as well as examine the sources of those emotional responses.

 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

In addition to examining emotions connected directly to the traumatic event, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may address how certain thoughts or ways of evaluating a situation may be contributing to your emotions.

Therapists who practice CBT typically focus on what is going on in the individual's current life, rather than past events, and the focus is on moving forward in time to devise more effective strategies for coping with life.

 

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), on the other hand, focuses on breaking down avoidance and helping a person place their energy into living a meaningful life (and being willing to experience whatever emotions arise as a result). In order to produce psychological flexibility, ACT makes use of acceptance and mindfulness processes and commitment and behavior change processes.

 

Social Support and Self-Monitoring

Whichever therapy you choose, getting help can provide you with a safe place to express and approach your emotions. Seeking social support from trusted loved ones can also provide a safe way to express your emotions. Finally, writing about your feelings can also give you a safe and private way to release your deepest thoughts.

If your emotions feel really unclear or unpredictable, self-monitoring may be a useful strategy for you. It can give you a sense of which situations bring out certain thoughts and feelings.

Finally, if your emotions feel too strong, try distraction instead of avoidance. Distraction can be viewed as “temporary avoidance.”

Do something to temporarily distract you from a strong negative emotion, such as reading a book, calling a trusted friend, or taking a bath. This may give the emotion some time to decrease in strength, making it easier to cope with.

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Sadness Blue

List of thing that make feel sad:

• talk about depression (remind me of my own depression)

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day 1

i have high hope for this project. i was excited last night while making this blog. i was stayed up all night from excitement or caffeine. or both.

i wake up late. i got to the office late. not a good start.

i decided to buy galaxy fit e last night. so i check out and wait for it in excitement.

i was checking on twitter after lunch and i saw this

shoot. he was my high school friend. i check his profile, he's been inactive and just comback since yesterday.

Seno was sceptical about it in the beginning. meanwhile i'm worry to sick. i don't know what to do. we don't have suicide hotline. i only read article from Into the Light on what to do when you have suicidal friend.

i was crying when i talk to him through DMs. idk what he's been through but it feels hard. it looks awful. God know what happen. 

i was in relief when he sound better. idk if he fake it. i really hope he got better.

i would never think that far. i was "why don't you take this seriously?" later i feel his concern. its normal cause he does not know him. thats a normal reaction. i'm glad i have him.

so the case closed for now. i think i should check on him in a week, see if he really got better.

i end the day trying my new galaxy fit e by walking home. buying cilok and soto ceker for dinner. get super full. and now ready to sleep.

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the plan

Langkah 1: Pantau aktivitas dan suasana hati

i will update everyday, talk about what i do for the day and how i feel about it. titling the post with day 1 to day 112 then rate the day and my feeling from 1 to 10 with this tag.

1: completely fine
2: okay
3: kinda upset
4: kinda sad
5: sad for a reason
6: sad for no reason but still okay
7: sad for no reason and not okay
8: terribly awful
9: empty (warning)
10: emergency call

Langkah 2: Kenali hubungan antara aktivitas tertentu dan suasana hati Anda

“aktivitas suasana hati yang lebih baik” as Joy Sparkles
“aktivitas suasana hati yang lebih jelek” as Sadness Blue

Langkah 3: Jadwalkan lebih banyak aktivitas “suasana hati lebih baik” selama minggu berikutnya

make weekly schedule for a month

Langkah 4: Seimbangkan aktivitas menyenangkan dengan pencapaian

make weekly schedule for a month

Langkah 5: Beraksi sebelum (bukannya sesudah) motivasi

Bila aktivitas di buku harian terlalu menantang pada hari tertentu, maka lakukan sesuatu yang kurang menantang tapi masih menggerakkan Anda ke arah yang membantu. Memulai pelan-pelan masih lebih baik daripada tidak memulainya sama sekali.

Untuk memelihara motivasi, tanamkan dalam pikiran manfaat jangka panjang untuk memutus siklus peningkatan penarikan diri dan perburukan depresi.

Langkah 6: Beri hadiah pada diri Anda

the schedule will be 'enjoy' and 'mission' for six days then 'reward' on sunday

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intervensi aktivasi perilaku

this is a short version of "Mengatasi depresi dengan terapi aktivasi perilaku"

Bentuk terapi sederhana yang disebut intervensi aktivasi perilaku (IAP) sama efektifnya untuk mengobati depresi seperti halnya pengobatan psikologis yang lebih rumit dan bahkan obat-obatan.

Apa yang kita lakukan memengaruhi perasaan kita dan sebaliknya

Orang dengan depresi mendapati hilangnya kegairahan dan prestasi dari hidup. Yang terburuk, depresi merupakan hilangnya emosi. Tanpa emosi, kita tersesat-segala hal tidak ada artinya, yang membuat semakin sulit untuk peduli terhadap diri sendiri dan orang lain. Seperti hanya sedikit dari kita yang akan bekerja tanpa imbalan finansial, akan sulit untuk menjalani kehidupan tanpa imbalan emosi.

Masalahnya adalah, ketika depresi menyebabkan inaktivitas, penarikan diri dan isolasi, bahkan lebih sedikit lagi kesempatan untuk memperoleh kesenangan dan rasa pencapaian dalam hidup. Sebagai akibatnya, depresi, keputus asaan, kelesuan, dan motivasi semakin memburuk seiring waktu. Pada titik ini, “lingkaran setan depresi” berada dalam putaran penuh.

Entah depresi (emosi) atau penarikan diri (perilaku) yang muncul lebih dulu adalah kasus seperti ayam atau telur. Itu tidak penting. Poin yang penting adalah bahwa memodifikasi perilaku bisa memberikan pengaruh yang kuat terhadap emosi kita.

Apa itu intervensi aktivasi perilaku?

Tujuan IAP yakni membalikkan siklus depresi dengan meningkatkan keterlibatan dalam aktivitas berharga, yang menaikan kesempatan kita untuk memperoleh rasa tenteram dan rasa pencapaian dalam hidup.

Peneliti kesehatan mental dari Universitas Exeter Professor David Richards menemukan bahwa IAP sama efektif dengan TPK dalam mengobati depresi, yang berarti tidak perlu secara langsung menantang pikiran negatif. Memodifikasi perilaku mungkin sudah cukup untuk memperbaiki pandangan hidup kita.

IAP khususnya melibatkan tahap-tahap berikut ini:

Langkah 1: Memantau aktivitas dan suasana hati

Depresi biasanya membuat sulit untuk mengenali fluktuasi suasana hati—semuanya tampak hitam sepanjang waktu. Namun suasana hati sebenarnya naik turun, setidaknya hingga beberapa derajat. Langkah pertama dalam IAP yakni menjadi familiar dengan naik turunnya suasana hati ini ini.

Tulis aktivitas yang Anda lakukan dan nilai depresi Anda di waktu itu (0 = tidak depresi, 10 = depresi ekstrim), setiap hari selama satu atau dua minggu sebelum lanjut ke tahap 2, tapi teruslah memantau aktivitas dan suasana hati Anda hingga 16 minggu (4 bulan).

Langkah 2: Kenali hubungan antara aktivitas tertentu dan suasana hati Anda

Saat Anda melihat kembali aktivitas Anda dan menilai suasana hati setiap minggu, aktivitas yang mana yang berhubungan dengan suasana hati yang lebih baik (meskipun sedikit), dan aktivitas yang mana yang berhubungan dengan suasana hati yang lebih jelek? Buatlah daftar aktivitas-aktivitas ini dengan dua judul “aktivitas suasana hati yang lebih baik” dan “aktivitas suasana hati yang lebih jelek”.

Saat Anda merasa tertekan, mungkin Anda akan menemukan lebih banyak “suasana hati lebih jelek” ketimbang “suasana hati lebih baik”. Ini normal, tapi gagasannya yakni agar keseimbangan ini bergeser dari waktu ke waktu.

Langkah 3: Jadwalkan lebih banyak aktivitas “suasana hati lebih baik” selama minggu berikutnya

Terdengar sederhana, tapi langkah berikutnya yakni menjadwalkan lebih banyak aktivitas “suasana hati lebih baik” dan menghindari aktivitas “suasana hati lebih jelek”. Anda juga bisa menjadwalkan aktivitas yang Anda nikmati sebelumnya dalam hidup, meski Anda tidak menganggapnya bermanfaat kala itu.

Pertimbangkan hari dan waktu yang paling memungkinkan bagi Anda untuk menyelesaikan aktivitas tersebut dalam minggu berikutnya, jadwalkan di buku harian Anda, dan atasi tiap rintangan yang mungkin muncul. Rencanakan beberapa aktivitas dengan orang tersayang untuk tambahan dukungan dan dorongan.

Langkah 4: Seimbangkan aktivitas menyenangkan dengan pencapaian

Dalam hidup, ada aktivitas yang hanya bersifat kesenangan (misalnya ngopi bersama seorang kawan, menari atau membaca buku). Aktivitas lain mungkin tidak menyenangkan, tapi memberi Anda rasa pencapaian (misalnya membersihkan rumah, atau pergi bekerja).

Penting untuk memelihara keseimbangan yang sehat antara aktivitas yang menyenangkan dengan yang bersifat pencapaian. Terlalu banyak aktivitas menyenangkan bisa tidak membantu bila itu berarti mengabaikan tanggung jawab kita, yang mana kemudian menumpuk dan menjadi demikian banyak. Di sisi lain, terlalu banyak aktivitas berbasis prestasi bisa terasa seperti kerja terus dan tidak bermain. Beberapa aktivitas memberi kita rasa senang maupun pencapaian—sama-sama menang!

Langkah 5: Beraksi sebelum (bukannya sesudah) motivasi

Langkah ini sangat penting. Bila sebuah aktivitas dijadwalkan dalam buku harian, maka itu perlu dilakukan, tanpa mempertimbangkan bagaimana perasaan kita. Tanpa pengecualian.

Suasana hati yang tertekan akan menahan kita membuat perubahan dalam hidup kita. Inti dari IAP adalah bila kita berperilaku seperti sedang tertekan, maka kita akan terus merasa tertekan. Perilaku perlu diubah dulu sebelum emosi dan motivasi bisa membaik, bukan sebaliknya.

Bila aktivitas di buku harian terlalu menantang pada hari tertentu, maka lakukan sesuatu yang kurang menantang tapi masih menggerakkan Anda ke arah yang membantu. Memulai pelan-pelan masih lebih baik daripada tidak memulainya sama sekali.

Untuk memelihara motivasi, tanamkan dalam pikiran manfaat jangka panjang untuk memutus siklus peningkatan penarikan diri dan perburukan depresi.

Langkah 6: Beri hadiah pada diri Anda

Ketika Anda menyelesaikan aktivitas yang dijadwalkan, beri hadiah pada diri sendiri. Pikirkan soal hadiah yang bisa membantu memotivasi Anda meraih tujuan dan memperkuat perubahan Anda.

Penghargaan ini mungkin membantu mengangkat suasana hati Anda lebih jauh lagi dan bisa membantu Anda melewati saat-saat sulit, karena jalan menuju penyembuhan mungkin berbatu-batu.

Keunggulan intervensi aktivasi perilaku

IAP bukanlah obat mujarab, tapi bisa sangat efektif mengobati depresi.

IAP bukan sains roket, tapi kesederhanaan adalah keunggulan utamanya dibandingkan banyak pengobatan lain. Pengobatan yang sederhana bisa diajarkan dengan lebih cepat dan lebih murah, dan lebih mungkin disampaikan dengan kesetiaan yang lebih besar ketimbang pengobatan yang lebih rumit.

Manfaat lain dari IAP yakni tidak ada efek samping, yang menjadi kekhawatiran umum terhadap obat-obatan.

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i personally gonna follow it and see what happen. see if its work.

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help center

we don't have suicide hotline

Lima rumah sakit yang disiagakan Kementerian Kesehatan untuk melayani panggilan telepon konseling pencegahan bunuh diri, yakni:

1. RSJ Amino Gondohutomo Semarang (024) 6722565
2. RSJ Marzoeki Mahdi Bogor (0251) 8324024, 8324025, 8320467
3. RSJ Soeharto Heerdjan Jakarta (021) 5682841
4. RSJ Prof Dr Soerojo Magelang (0293) 363601
5. RSJ Radjiman Wediodiningrat Malang (0341) 423444

Hotline Halo Kemkes di 1500-567 untuk mendapatkan informasi di bidang kesehatan 24 jam.

Emergency 110.

source

for online source you can visit Into the Light

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what to do

• never stand still when feeling lonely

• improve relationships with others

• exercise and improve sleep patterns

• eat healthy and natural foods

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dementor comics

source

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lonely

i feel terribly lonely these days. especially after sulli passed away. i don't know her. never really following her news even with all the fuss made by knets. i only read the headlines with her picture as an attachment. what i can say from seeing the picture was there is something wrong with her. i can see it in her eyes. never really pay attention about it though.

i saw a lot of article about her and they all mention her last live, put the screen capture of her live as an attachment. of course i'm wondering what she said during all those live (ig or vlive). but i never really watch it. at that time. i thought it was because i barely care about her.

i did. i only care about myself. deep down i know what i would see. and i don't want to see it.

yet.

i search the video a few days later. and yup. i was right. i see her in a state that i thought i would see her. i fast forward the video. i can't look at her eyes cause i can see the loneliness. she goes live because she need accompany. how do i know?

i once like that. i goes live, playing bigbang song as a background while working on an assignment (i did, but its actually for alibi). not so long after that (few days, two weeks? i don't remember) i felt an emptiness. it was short. i don't think it last for an hour, it just a dozens minutes.

it was weekend. in afternoon. i just bought lunch at warteg in front of graha. and then when i get back inside, just i after i take off my slippers to get in and walking up the stairs...

an empty feeling. then a thought, "why bother breathing?" and then empty again. just for a few minutes. it was short. but i remember it as if i was in that state for a whole day.

thank lord i'm not doing stupid things. what i thought after was "is this what people feel before they actually kill themself? well of course not this brief. maybe they constantly feeling like this for some period of time"

and i bet sulli was feeling that same emptiness for some period of time.

i don't know if sulli suicide trigger me in a way but i do feeling lonely these days. i don't know if i would ever feeling that same emptiness, but i really wish i never gonna felt that way again. i won't. thats the worst feeling ever.

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dad

i'm kinda think that whats happen to me.

my dad hospitalized back in may. it was bad. he suddenly did not be able to breath the day he should be discharge. they got to help him with ventilator and send him back to ICU for further and close observation. it broke my heart. 

i was sad for a full month. literally not doing anything right. cancel my graduation cause i don't have the energy to do anything. i'm struggling to get back for months. its hard to pull myself together.

i think i'm still struggling up until now.

almost five months and i don't think i will get better anytime soon. it was hard for me, i mean look at the impact of my dad illness. i just can't imagine how it will affect me if he's gone. i definitely will lose my shit.

i wanna stop this. i need to live.

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music shield

i like one of sufjan stevens song titled chicago after watching the politician and never skip the opening. and i've been looking for a song with the same vibes. i think i will make this post as a continuous playlist. i will add any song that i feel fit to distract me but also make me relax. so far i always listen to a fire up song, its good for distraction but i clearly can't play it for sleep.

• Sufjan Stevens Chicago
• The Beatles While My Guitar Gently Weeps

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welcome

hi, welcome to my blog :)

i made this blog for my healing journal

i have mood swing (?) not sure what to call it since i never go to specialist and professionally diagnose my condition. i'm afraid to go. i'm afraid it is bad. i think, as long as i know whats happening, i would be fine. and to find out what is really happen, i need to keep track everything. that is why i made this blog.

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