lonely

i feel terribly lonely these days. especially after sulli passed away. i don't know her. never really following her news even with all the fuss made by knets. i only read the headlines with her picture as an attachment. what i can say from seeing the picture was there is something wrong with her. i can see it in her eyes. never really pay attention about it though.

i saw a lot of article about her and they all mention her last live, put the screen capture of her live as an attachment. of course i'm wondering what she said during all those live (ig or vlive). but i never really watch it. at that time. i thought it was because i barely care about her.

i did. i only care about myself. deep down i know what i would see. and i don't want to see it.

yet.

i search the video a few days later. and yup. i was right. i see her in a state that i thought i would see her. i fast forward the video. i can't look at her eyes cause i can see the loneliness. she goes live because she need accompany. how do i know?

i once like that. i goes live, playing bigbang song as a background while working on an assignment (i did, but its actually for alibi). not so long after that (few days, two weeks? i don't remember) i felt an emptiness. it was short. i don't think it last for an hour, it just a dozens minutes.

it was weekend. in afternoon. i just bought lunch at warteg in front of graha. and then when i get back inside, just i after i take off my slippers to get in and walking up the stairs...

an empty feeling. then a thought, "why bother breathing?" and then empty again. just for a few minutes. it was short. but i remember it as if i was in that state for a whole day.

thank lord i'm not doing stupid things. what i thought after was "is this what people feel before they actually kill themself? well of course not this brief. maybe they constantly feeling like this for some period of time"

and i bet sulli was feeling that same emptiness for some period of time.

i don't know if sulli suicide trigger me in a way but i do feeling lonely these days. i don't know if i would ever feeling that same emptiness, but i really wish i never gonna felt that way again. i won't. thats the worst feeling ever.